Ive been trying to avoid writing in this journal for such a long time now. Thinking, i could master my emotions and could live without this open diary. But as everything gets screwed up right now.. with my friends all against me, with people judging me, with stupid fratboys playing a fool out of me and my parents who kept on pulling me back. I dont know if i could tell this to anyone or maybe im just too shy to let them see me cry but i just cant keep it all anymore. And maybe in this online thing, i would still be letting anyone know about whats bothering me, but this is the only way i could blurt out everything without anyone trying to contradict me and if they do, they wont be able to stop cos i already published it by the time you read this. Anyway, i look like a freakshow right now crying infront of my pc...
funny, how i have thousands of friends...and all i need is ONE to listen but there's none.
Why do people judge?... you know this is what i hate about getting into ths thingy? why? cos everytym i get into these stuff like this... i often find myself criticized by everyone around me.. which i could not handle pretty well. I just realized, it was a lot easier when i ignored all the boys and spent all of my time with my friends.. no one judges me, and it was always FUN. It's been 3 years now since i got into this kind of thing again, and i remember back then that those seniors that time were bullying me, treating me like a loser just for the reason that a senior guy is courting me?... i felt really inferior you know. And i felt like i was the ugliest girl back there at school.
Im having a great time now in college. Everyone's great. No one treats me like a loser or something. But ever since i got into a fight with my brkda, it kind of screwed things up.
now, ive been missing them so bad. If only they were here with me,i wouldnt be bothered by all the things other people say at all. I wouldnt mind if they dont like me cos all i know is that as long i have them ill be fine.
And now... i am feeling so down with myself. i know i cant please everyone, but hell i cant please anyone. i know this might sound like a self-pity or anything but im feeling it again, how imperfect i am. how people pulls me down, those fake smile and sarcastic hellos, the read between the lines, the epitome of criticisms, degrading and how i cant pitch myself up like i used to before, i know.. this is some kind of a teenage thingy.. not a major problem to be dejected over... but the feeling sucks. and now this time, My friends are not here.
and its all my fault...=(