as coldplay continues to play along the backgr0und.
as my friends all left.
i remained to where i was seated.

i stared blankly in the m0nit0r.
not kn0wing what to d0.
i feel so EMPTY.
and all these negative vibes i c0ntinue to captivate inside myself.
im sick of just writing and blogging everything 0ut.
i just dont know to whom and where i c0uld let this out and no one would ever understand me.
im so tired of entering int0 an unkn0wn and retreating when i kn0w i wouLD fall.

due t0 what everyone caused me. i wasnt able to to see clearly. i became too numb and to bothered depressing over something n0t w0rth it to even realize some0ne was just there... but i kept pushing them all away. i d0nt seem to trust anyone anymore.
and now i am missing the chiLD in me. . , and n0w, after a year my dad would be coming home and that wouLd suck... really suck.. brace yourself f0r an0ther bunch of dramas in here... haaay..





its aLL d0wns... why cant i have ups naman.. its all temp0rary happiness.. im becoming too deEp na di na ko nakokontento sa kht ano...

sch00l's back and ive g0t m0re things t0 divert my attenti0n to.
i have s0 many plans f0r myself..
ready t0 traveL the path that was l0ng awaited f0r me.
i want t0 try s0 many new things...
be 0f greatEr w0rth.
impr0ve my FiELds.
pr0ve mysElf.
greater faith.

aLL my plans... all my prayers.... i hope i c0uld stick up 0n t0...
and i wish u could be as happy as i am...


n0w.. that i understand and gr0wn over it. n0w that ive acceptEd reaLity.
i reaLized my 0wn w0rth and that l0ftiness of mine d0esnt match y0urs. y0u're a cheap  blank canvas made 0ut of p0or materials that is n0t w0rth all the rich c0l0rs i have the capacity to bring on someone else's life.

u l0st ur do0rmat. and u w0nt be able to buy a new one. might as well lick y0ur own feet.

wHen y0u get w0unded. y0u feEl pain.
But p0uring aLc0hol over it. hurts m0re.

whEn you had a to0tache. pain.
but it's al0t painfuL when y0u went at thE dentist and let them cure it.

y0ur disease tr0ubles.
but it's al0t painful when operati0ns pursue.

c0vering up a fresh wound with band to try to c0nceal ur fLaws..hides everythng. But wouLd only make ur w0und a l0t w0rse.

y0u fEel pain and it's a natural f0r your human b0dy to react that way when a stimulus caused y0u t0 obtain such... y0u even undergo through a far m0re pain in a pr0cess of cuRing.. u can just c0ver it up, but sooner it would only make thngs worse. s0 there's nothing left t0 do, but fAce it.






     i am in a state of transition.. i am crossing the m0untain, as i get nearer to the top, it gets harder to move on. i kn0w this part would hurt as hell but i kn0w, i may not see it n0w, but the price is at the other side of the mountain....
     i am in pr0cess and sl0wly maturing. trying to be in c0ntr0l. just wait..... "vengeance is n0t ours, its G0d's" i d0nt have to d0 anything... i leave everythng up t0 him....

every0ne.. went through or will g0 through this path...
wherein at s0me point youll say in your tears," im suffering in a l0ve that is not w0rth it".
....


whatever.!!


anyway.. last nyt me and my girls drank wine at l0dz' place and spent the eve talking bout stuffs and our Lives... ab0ut 11 in d eve we left and went at eastwood city, libis.. partied at The Basement and danced the night away... hahah!... smooching na to!..=) hmmm... (secretsecret) hahai... then there.. it was all fun fun... met new friends and chilled with them for some time and went home by 5.. slept wearing all the make-up and dirts in my face and smelling like a polluted asshole at L0dz' crib.... waking up with friends filled with curses and laughtrips!!.. talking about things happened last night and talking bout people we met and criticizing them! hahaha!... and since the fridge was empty we asked f0r a delivered McD0!.. ate ate ate!.. yum.. they sm0ked.. not me..(yey.. so not smoking for months now..) after all the fixations and whatever... finally decided to g0 home.... and braced ourselves f0r an hour of sermon!..hahaha!! GUdnYT!!.. party again nxt weekenD!!.yuhoo!... zzzz.. 

finally i w0ke up..


i got myself back.. it all starts here... just watch....

i kn0w i w0uld but still i remain where i was left... n0t lifting any fingers to pick up myself... triEd hard but i cant m0ve... and n0w ur sh0wing up again.. telling me all liEs you could ever make up... and still..... th0ugh i kn0w it is, i still believed everythng....


i met th0usands.. but its always been y0u...

the 0nly cuRe woulD be y0u..wh0 caused me t0 be s0 sick...


tangatangak0...

i am happy!!..=)    i think..

gusto ko na maging tibo.

dont tell me i am pretending. cos it's the only thing i can do. i myt hide everything from you when you see me. thanks anyway for telling me im a great pretender, im so great that you wont even know im just acting. not everyone who laughs is happy, not everyone who smiles is okay and not everyone breathing is alive. Just dont judge me cos this is the only thing where i could express that i cant with everyone. my only outlet. so shut up and for a change watch me BE MYSELF.

         "I regret it when i did it before. I was able to live up to my own promise and preserve myself for two years now. I tattoed the commandment of doing it for the man i would love forever..."






       I have.

      


after breaking free from a very serious and first relationship, i went from wings to horns. placing barkada as a primary priority, stating everything as "fun". Fallen under peer-pressure and liking everything they call "cool". Although i sometimes find myself involved wth this certain thing caused by alcohol, i never ever gave myself up to someone i dont love.






well...





.
.
.
.
.
.
everything that has been happening was so plain.
wyl having a plain everyday. There were people who have been a blessing to me and i constantly thank god for their presence cos if it wasnt for them i would have commited something not everyone would like.

i started this new relationship with god.

whenever i am al0ne.. i would pray inside the chapel and just be there and talk with him...i would cry to him.. tell him everything... be friends with him again.

i am improving my relationship wth other people..

i am "a bit" having a go0d sh0t f0r my parents lately..

i thought i could already change for the better.

.
.
.
.
.
but i was wr0ng....


i have done something...
disappointed myself...
disappointed God....
...
...
...
...
****:wel do u believe in marriage?
Shandy=(: no
****:shai God made sex
****: He made it to be pure and holy
****: but inside the walls of marriade
****: kasi
****: God knows the best for us
****: and He doesnt want us giving our hearts and bodies away to just people
****: kasi wen people do it..
****: der bodies united into one
****: their spirit sticks together
****: and its something special
****: its like when u put glue on wood and paper and stick them together
****: and when u seperate them
****): bits of wood would be in the paper and vice verse
****: versa
****: its the same with sex
****: when we do it with other people
****: we give away a part of our spirit
****: and God doesnt want us to be regretting those things.



.
.
.
.
.
.
i did the most stupid mistake ever.
and i am disappointed with myself...
and i dont even love him.... i dont even like him...
or i may be just denying it but i dont know what made me.
it is so weird but how come...... it's cherished.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

right now

not yet..


but im going to expect that i would regret it later on..........