im not a pirate. coz pirate's are strong, they fight for a living, they only care about themselves and how to survive, they dont care if they stink, they dont care if theyre ugly..all they about is their own life and the struggle to find what theyre looking for. They dont care what other people think.


Ive been trying to avoid writing in this journal for such a long time now. Thinking, i could master my emotions and could live without this open diary. But as everything gets screwed up right now.. with my friends all against me, with people judging me, with stupid fratboys playing a fool out of me and my parents who kept on pulling me back. I dont know if i could tell this to anyone or maybe im just too shy to let them see me cry but i just cant keep it all anymore. And maybe in this online thing, i would still be letting anyone know about whats bothering me, but this is the only way i could blurt out everything without anyone trying to contradict me and if they do, they wont be able to stop cos i already published it by the time you read this. Anyway, i look like a freakshow right now crying infront of my pc...

funny, how i have thousands of friends...and all i need is ONE to listen but there's none.


Why do people judge?... you know this is what i hate about getting into ths thingy? why? cos everytym i get into these stuff like this... i often find myself criticized by everyone around me.. which i could not handle pretty well. I just realized, it was a lot easier when i ignored all the boys and spent all of my time with my friends.. no one judges me, and it was always FUN.  It's been 3 years now since i got into this kind of thing again, and i remember back then that those seniors that time were bullying me, treating me like a loser just for the reason that a senior guy is courting me?... i felt really inferior you know.  And i felt like i was the ugliest girl back there at school.

Im having a great time now in college. Everyone's great. No one treats me like a loser or something. But ever since i got into a fight with my brkda, it kind of screwed things up.



now, ive been missing them so bad. If only they were here with me,i wouldnt be bothered  by all the things other people say at all. I wouldnt mind if they dont like me cos all  i know is that as long i have them ill be fine.


And now... i am feeling so down with myself. i know i cant please everyone, but hell i cant please anyone. i know this might sound like a self-pity or anything but im feeling it again, how imperfect i am. how people pulls me down, those fake smile and sarcastic hellos, the read between the lines, the epitome of criticisms, degrading and how i cant pitch myself up like i used to before, i know.. this is some kind of a teenage thingy.. not a major problem to be dejected over... but the feeling sucks. and now this time, My friends are not here.


and its all my fault...=(

"its as easy as lovers go, so dont complicate it by hesitating." -dashboard confessionals.




weight: 100lbs ; new cl0thes: 3; new friends: 8 ; boyfriend: 0 ; lovelife: 0

gimiks: 0 ; boyfriend: 0 ; lovelife: 0




zero.

so empty.


but getting used to it.

number of sit-ups: 100 ; weight: 105lbs; new friends: 5; food intake: 7 chicken fingers; boyfriends: 0; lovelife: 0.

sitting here inside B308, Gepsych class. i know, i mean Psychology class?... also known as friendster class. Why?. every sessions are held inside the e-class and as we use the pc to acces internet and do friendster the whole day, the prof kept on blubbering something i dont know but as far as i know no one's listenin...

anyway, here's the day i planned for but just swept by easily like nothing happened. Earlier @ my break i decyded dat ds would be the time to tell him or confirm like anything like hell. level down my pride and tell him what i feel. I sat there at Orange Bear Food Hub, located at UM, 3rd flr. about to start the much anticipated statement. Then tin and earl came rushing bringing along with her, her uge make-up box tensed out coz of their about model ramping.  They were having a hard time fixing their selves so i helped them out and that left HIM hanging. As those hussles and bussles went and over i returned to where i sat and started staring at my razr. 0h hey there's a smudge...  tangna this thing's so sensitive... anyway, oh..oooh... my voda vibrated haha.. that was pleasure. joke. its rj.. dont mind. ANYWAY, i started making my words up and and and.. taena gl0be suck!.. it wont send. so yah d rn kme ngkaintndhan ng maayos kaseh pag mahaba un msg it wont come out of his fone's screen. so yah i said nevermind nalang.. and then he wanted us to meet up... but then ewan ko.. i said no.. feeling koh kc... ITS ALL WRONG.   and probably ill end up getting hurt anyway.,, so it doesnt matter.






btw, the phallic stage? dont mind about it. its just the 1st sentence i saw flashed in d ohp... that's our topic. FUCK?? my quiz?.. damn so much for not listening.

number of working hours at the gym : 100,000 ; money shopped for clothes just for the day: P4000.00; load credits: P30; wieght: 105lbs; new friends: 4; boyfriend: 0, fuck times: 0; lovelife: 0



i really really need a fuck. i mean not literally u bitch.... i slept so soundly last night like someone was hugging me tight, and that's weird.why? coz im insomiac. Woke up, and the usual i thought of you again. but then shopping, interneting, barkada-ing, and gym hours helped me work thing out fine. i just wana avoid myself from running over you... ill be departing out of town saturday morning and i hope the plane would crash.. just kidding... tangna that was so emo... anyway.. nothing so exciting to write about cos its the usual, im still alone. but then ya im okay.. anyway nakasalubong ko nga pala c celine and epau earlier at the mall.. lalang... she told me well have a drinking session.. so anyway yah.. papakalasing nanaman ako..well as if naman something would change if i get myself drunk but then i really need it okay?... haaay.. good thing ur not an internet person so u wont be able to read all this, would really freak you out..haha!... i love you i love you and i dont care if you dont love me back!! mwah mwah!!!

fuck that was cheesy.. anyway have to go to gym..ciao.
  

after school..

after hang-outs..

after the laughs..

the trips..

the b0nd and happy faces i see with my friends..

it all comes down to this.



ill go home, be alone and realize that i still miss you....

tangina..ur haunting meee....=(

okay!.. umin0m nanaman ak0.. so yeah.. my dad's flight g0t delayed s0 an0ther day was given t0 me t0 have and spend it t0 cherish my freEd0m that later 0n i w0uld l0se. Unf0rtunately my friends had different plans cos they actually tought i w0nt be all0wed to go out na and my other friend's party was p0stp0ned and there's n0 ch0ice but stay here. but then yeah i spent bucks nanaman ang bought cl0thes. i went h0me, and saw my friends here. we drank.. steady lang... must admit it wasnt really fun but then yeah... umuwi dn ak0 agad ng 01:00am... c0rni... grr. and n0w, i cant slEep f0r the obvious sign that i am writing a blog again. im b0red with b0ys and am ignoring their msgs and glad to be. . . all plain steady. n0thing to rep0rt in here really just about my dad's h0mecoming.. fuck that... and h0w i miss my brkda bef0re, every0ne's acting so strange lately.. they're n0t the way they used to be.  everyone's changing and im starting to hate it... fuck i need someone to talk to.. geh.. gotta bounce.. have to call someone... mwah!

di k0 napansin na sa paglipas ng panah0n.
magiging keLoid siya.
hindi ko rin inaasahan.
na magiiwan ka ng marka sa buhay ko.


patul0y na nagpapalit ang petsa.
patul0y din ang buhay k0.
buhay na minsan k0ng hindi pinagpahalagahan.
habang lumilipas ito...
siya ring di k0 alintana ang pag hil0m ng aking sugat.
di k0 namalayang naging peklat na pala ito.
habang pinapahiran k0 ng nivea whitening cream,
ang mga sugat na likha ng sarili k0ng kanan.
kasabay nit0 ang unti m0ng paglah0 sa buhay k0.
habang mabagal it0ng kusang tinatahi ang minsang naghating balat,
malilimutan din kita at mawawala sa pus0 ko.


malayo ang tingin...
tahimik na nagiisip...
di alntana ang pawis na dumadaloy mula sa noo..
nakaupo sa inid0ro naghihintay ng oras.
di k0 malaman
na kung bakit sa bawat pag-gcng k0 sa umaga,
sa tuwing pagupo sa inidoro
ay naiisip kita.


minsan
iniisip ko
na sinasayang ko ang sarili ko.
inisip k0 kung gano ka kapanget
at ang mga pimples mo sa mukha.
bakit nga ba kta minahal?
ngay0n na tinangap kita...
feeling m0 naman. anak ng t0kwa.
per0 mahal nga kita.
na isang malaking palaisipan sa kung papaano nangyri it0 ay di k0 na alam.


balang araw, maiisip mo rin na kung papaano mo sinayang
ang lahat ng nakahanda at kaya pang itadhana sa iy0.
na sa kung minsan lang  it0 kumat0k ay sinayang mo pa.
dadating ang araw na iy0n kapag huli na ang lahat.

mgtatapos ako ng k0lehiy0.
magkakaro0n ng sariling pr0duksy0n.
mgiging sikat na direkt0r.
isang ta0ng kinaiingitan at chinichismis sa pagka perpekt0.
himpilan ng tagumpay.

at ikaw.. maiiwan na kumakain ng tonkatsu sa mini stop.
knkwento sa mga kapwa mo na minsan kitang minahal.
ngunit ngng tanga ka at  ngayo'y kulangot ng lipunan,
habang dinadamayan ka ni jenny ng taft.

sasakay ka sa bulok mong lancer pauwe ng valley1,
magaalaga ng iyong mga magulang.
ikaw nalamang ang inaasahan dahil ang tatlo mong kapatid
ay marahan ng nakatira sa ibang bansa.
mayaman na mayaman.
habang ikaw ay naiwan nagaalaga ng mga matatanda.
lugm0k sa hndi pagkakatapos sa k0lehiyo.

iniwan ka na ng mga barkada mo.
at hindi na rin uso ang frat.
may pera ka na sapat nalamang sa pambili ng gatas
sa anak m0ng iniwan sayo ng kanyang ina.
sarado na lahat ng bar sa bf, wla kana matambayan.
at ang dota ay old school na.


isang araw, papunta ako sa parking lot.
pagsakay ko ng koche ko.
may kumatok sa bintana,
pulubi.
binigyan ko ng kfc hotshots.
pero tinitigan lamang niya ako.
nakititig din ako.
(music background starts playing out of nowhere)
ikaw nga.
ikaw nga y0n.
pano ko ba di maalala ang ta0ng nag sanhi ng kel0id sa aking kaliwang kamay?


nagkamustahan tayo.
ngunit sa dalas ay ikay nakikinig lamang.
dahil wala ka naman ibang knwento kundi ang pagtambay mo.
habang ako ay nagkkwento tungkol sa mga lugar na aking narating.




FInaLLy.
pagkatapos ng sampung taon.
humingi ka ng tawad.
pinatawad kita.


sabe mo HeAvEn?!


sabe ko... bata pa tay0 no0n. hnd k0 rin mistulang maisip na sa kung bakit kita pinaglaban. masyad0 lang ak0 nahibang at minsang paggamit ng dr0ga ay cgur0y nagpasira ng utak k0 upan turuan ang sarili k0ng mahalin ka. paSensya ngunit ang no0ng heaven natin ay isa nalamang ala ala na pinabayaan m0ng kalimutan k0. Mga nAkahanDAng kuLay para say0 na pinabayaan m0ng lumipas sa buhay m0.
hindi k0 na alam paan0 tatapusing ang st0rya na it0 kaya bigla nalang.